Buttercup's Frocks

The following helpful hints were kindly collated for the benefit of those who dislike looking at the fat by one 80thstreet. They have since taken down their tumblr, presumably because the shitstorm the post precipitated made things a little too toasty in the kitchen for their liking.

“Apparently there’s a “fat fashion” tag on tumblr.

Yeah, I know, just so many politically incorrect parts of that sentence.

Anyway, being a girl who likes people to look good, I’m gonna send a few tips, because some things I saw just weren’t something I advise people to emulate. Ever. Whether you are a skinny chick or a chunky chick.

For heavier people, you want to look like your stomach just disappeared. There are a few easy rules to follow, that usually, if not always, are something you should do.

Never wear a tight waist! I know, it sounds counteractive, right? Wrong, if you wear something tight on the waist, you get the muffin tops, rolls, and the chunk. You always want to look smooth, and trust me, the moment anyone see a roll, you go from plus sized beauty to chunky fashion mistake.

Flimsy cloth is a NO-NO. You want to get a thicker cloth, because it will act as a smoother, and when your smooth, everyone sees hips and boobs, not stomachs.

NO BELTS ON WAIST. EVER. I’ve seen so many beautiful sweater shirts, dresses, and regular shirts ruined because you can tell the belt they’re wearing CUTS INTO THEM. It looks wrong and makes poof. YOU DON’T WANT POOF.

No pencil skirts. THIS ONE IS A DUPER. But, I’ve found a simple test to see whether its good or not. When you try it on, you look for three things. 1) No Saddlebags. 2) No between thigh hollowness. If the skirt sinks in between your legs, please burn it. 3) Appropriate length is knee length. WHY? Because you hid the thigh to knee dimples. I have them too guys, and you don’t want to see them.

No leggings as pants. Leggings go under two things. Dresses and skirts. And even then use with caution.

NO WORKOUT PANTS. EVER. IF YOU’RE IN PUBLIC GET RID OF THEM. Even at the gym, don’t wear them. Get sweats. Look appropriate.

Shoes. Try not to wear strappy, booties, or anything with ankle strappings.

Careful with sleeves, please. No rolls, no side boobs, no arm puff. Please.

Solids are your friend. Small stripes? The enemy. Big Stripes? Cute. Polka dots? Possibly. And whatever print you do, keep it to one area. One shirt, one skirt, one half of the dress. Kapeeche.”

Being 5 hours ahead of the US (and out on a Saturday night), means I’m inevitably late to the party, but I’m going to add my two cents anyway. Because those who are struggling with poor self-image need to recognise this arbitrary body-shaming drivel for what it is instead of internalising it as gospel and using it to fuel their self-hatred. And because I will never stop saying that the demonization of fat bodies benefits no one save those who profit from the epic misery it creates. Take poor old 80thstreet for a kick-off. They’re so pathetically insecure they’re compelled to spend their time cruising the internet for images of questionably attired fat girls to feel superior to. It’s pitiful really but that’s not going to stop me from telling it how it is.

So, 80thstreet, let me break it down point by point for ya:-

As a heavier, apple-shaped person, the only way I will ever look like my stomach “just disappeared” is if I stand behind my sofa or install a funhouse mirror in my bedroom.

Fat women come in a wide variety of body shapes, rather like not-so-fat women. Some have rolls where others do not; some carry chunk where others have none, while muffin-tops, I find, are generally related to a snug hipster jean and often afflict non-plus-sized people too. Even if fashion rules weren’t outdated, subjective, random, oppressive and facile, you’d be hard pushed to find one set that would “flatter” all fat bodies. The only person who’s qualified to decide what suits a body – any type of body – is its owner.

Flimsy cloth is just what the doctor ordered on a scorching hot summer day. I have little inclination to swathe my body in triple lined polyester in the forlorn belief it will make my body resemble the ideal you hold so dear. No matter how ‘smooth’ I look, I guarantee what you will see, (assuming you are intent on judging my body rather than engaging with me as a multi-faceted actual human being), is boobs and stomach, (see Apple-Shaped). Hips, not so much, (see Fat Women Come In A Wide Variety Of Body Shapes). This is why I don’t wear Spanx. Well, that and colic. I don’t owe crippling wind to you or anyone else, thanking you all the same.

Just for shits and giggles I sometimes put a belt under my boobies and make believe I’m an hourglass! And sometimes I put a bright yellow petticoat with major flouncing action underneath the skirt for extra poof! Bet that really gives you the horrors. By the way who exactly died and made you the Belt Police?

One can’t help wondering who, in your considered opinion, would look good in a pencil skirt, given your endless list of critera. As for ‘thigh to knee dimples’, do they not make tights round your way? Or what about a legging? You’re quite the expert on those.

And while we’re on the subject, I’m from England. That’s in Europe. Where leggings have always been pants. Which is to say trousers. Pants are underwear in these parts. Leggings aren’t pants, obviously.

What precisely is the difference between a sweat and a workout pant? And why would it matter which one I wear down the gym? Last time I ckecked Anna Wintour and Victoria Beckham weren’t camped out in front of the treadmill, notebooks in hand. Also, what about bed? Can I wear workout pants in bed? Because I quite often do when it’s chilly.Velour ones; cosy.

Since most shoe manufacturers don’t make knee length boots that accommodate my muscular calves, it’s booties all the way for me; I also favour an ankle strap. Like many apple-shaped women I have cracking legs with good ankle definition, (see Fat Women Come In A Wide Variety Of Body Shapes. Dear me, this is getting repetitive).

I am flagrantly careless with sleeves, especially in hot weather. Why, combined with my fondness for flimsy fabrics, it’s almost as if I consider I have the right to be cool during the hotter months in a country that doesn’t do aircon! The nerve of me! Have I no shame? (Here’s a clue: no).

You know what else is getting repetitive? Being told by the world and his wife to avoid horizontal stripes, all-over pattern, bold prints, loud colours and all the rest lest it draw attention to my heinous body. I’m in charge here and what I say goes.